Dear Seattle Area Sandwich Shops:
Let me start out by saying...
"DAMN, you guys are some pushy motherfuckers."
...and then get right to the meat of this.
1. There is no law anywhere that states that sandwiches have to be toasted. Cold cuts are not "raw" (wtf, Topolino's) and don't need to be cooked. Not to mention, as the customer, if I tell you how I want my sandwich made, it's your job to fucking make it the way I tell you. Don't argue with me (I'm looking at you, Potbelly's!). If I tell you I don't want my sandwich toasted, don't toast it and don't debate with me, or tell me how you're "just trying to give me a better sandwich". Motherfucker, the sandwich NOT being toasted is how I fucking like it. NOT toasting it makes it a better sandwich to ME, and if I'm the one eating the damn thing, why the hell do you care? Now step away from the toaster before I have to cut a bitch.
1a. And to the guy in front of me in line, YES I JUST SAID I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO TOAST THE FUCKING SANDWICH. NO, I'M NOT CRAZY. AT LEAST NOT YET. ASK ME AGAIN AND THAT MAY BECOME DEBATABLE.
2. I was going to leave aside the fact that no place in Seattle knows how to make a real Italian sub to start with, but since you idiots like to debate with me about what one actually is, let me spell it out for you.
Salami
Pepperoni
Mortadella
Capiccola
(Insert other delectable italian cold cuts here)
Provolone cheese
Oil and Vinegar/Italian herb sprinkly shit
Pickles/onions/hots/lettuce/tomato
Please note I said PROVOLONE CHEESE. Not american, not cheddar, not jack... PROVOLONE. And SLICES of cheese, not shredded cheese. Why? SEE NUMBER ONE ABOVE. I'm also sick of ordering a sandwich, saying I'd like oil and vinegar, and being told "we don't have vinegar". So what, you just dump oil on the sandwich and call it a day? For fuck's sake, do you even realise the purpose of the oil? It's to keep the vinegar on the damn sandwich! If you're leaving off the vinegar, you're essentially oiling up the sandwich for no reason whatsoever. Oil has no flavor. It adds nothing to the sandwich on its own. Don't believe me? GO DRINK SOME. How is this hard to understand? And no, thank you. I don't want it toasted.
3. What the fuck kind of sandwich shop doesn't have pickles? Seriously. I ask you. I really want to know how you can call yourself a sandwich shop and NOT HAVE A BASIC COMPONENT NORMAL HUMANS USE TO CONSTRUCT A SANDWICH. It's not like I'm asking you to sprinkle Kopi Luwak or Beluga fucking caviar on the damn thing, so stop looking at me like another head just sprouted out of my shoulder. Also, no, I still don't want it toasted. Stop asking.
4. There should me more filling in a sandwich than bread, and the bread/roll should be hearty and have an actual crust. If I want a hot dog roll, I'll go get a hot dog. I don't pay $8-10 for a sandwich for it to be served on bloody Wonder Bread. And no, I do NOT want it toasted. What the fuck, man?
One of the things I'm hoping to do the next time I'm home is head out to a good sandwich shop and get a real sandwich. It's pretty fucking sad when the best Seattle can come up with is Subway. That's seriously the closest thing to a real Italian sub that we have out here. :(
Ugh.
Sincerely,
Me
