Dear Seattle Area Sandwich Shops:
Let me start out by saying...
"DAMN, you guys are some pushy motherfuckers."
...and then get right to the meat of this.
1. There is no law anywhere that states that sandwiches have to be toasted. Cold cuts are not "raw" (wtf, Topolino's) and don't need to be cooked. Not to mention, as the customer, if I tell you how I want my sandwich made, it's your job to fucking make it the way I tell you. Don't argue with me (I'm looking at you, Potbelly's!). If I tell you I don't want my sandwich toasted, don't toast it and don't debate with me, or tell me how you're "just trying to give me a better sandwich". Motherfucker, the sandwich NOT being toasted is how I fucking like it. NOT toasting it makes it a better sandwich to ME, and if I'm the one eating the damn thing, why the hell do you care? Now step away from the toaster before I have to cut a bitch.
1a. And to the guy in front of me in line, YES I JUST SAID I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO TOAST THE FUCKING SANDWICH. NO, I'M NOT CRAZY. AT LEAST NOT YET. ASK ME AGAIN AND THAT MAY BECOME DEBATABLE.
2. I was going to leave aside the fact that no place in Seattle knows how to make a real Italian sub to start with, but since you idiots like to debate with me about what one actually is, let me spell it out for you.
Salami
Pepperoni
Mortadella
Capiccola
(Insert other delectable italian cold cuts here)
Provolone cheese
Oil and Vinegar/Italian herb sprinkly shit
Pickles/onions/hots/lettuce/tomato
Please note I said PROVOLONE CHEESE. Not american, not cheddar, not jack... PROVOLONE. And SLICES of cheese, not shredded cheese. Why? SEE NUMBER ONE ABOVE. I'm also sick of ordering a sandwich, saying I'd like oil and vinegar, and being told "we don't have vinegar". So what, you just dump oil on the sandwich and call it a day? For fuck's sake, do you even realise the purpose of the oil? It's to keep the vinegar on the damn sandwich! If you're leaving off the vinegar, you're essentially oiling up the sandwich for no reason whatsoever. Oil has no flavor. It adds nothing to the sandwich on its own. Don't believe me? GO DRINK SOME. How is this hard to understand? And no, thank you. I don't want it toasted.
3. What the fuck kind of sandwich shop doesn't have pickles? Seriously. I ask you. I really want to know how you can call yourself a sandwich shop and NOT HAVE A BASIC COMPONENT NORMAL HUMANS USE TO CONSTRUCT A SANDWICH. It's not like I'm asking you to sprinkle Kopi Luwak or Beluga fucking caviar on the damn thing, so stop looking at me like another head just sprouted out of my shoulder. Also, no, I still don't want it toasted. Stop asking.
4. There should me more filling in a sandwich than bread, and the bread/roll should be hearty and have an actual crust. If I want a hot dog roll, I'll go get a hot dog. I don't pay $8-10 for a sandwich for it to be served on bloody Wonder Bread. And no, I do NOT want it toasted. What the fuck, man?
One of the things I'm hoping to do the next time I'm home is head out to a good sandwich shop and get a real sandwich. It's pretty fucking sad when the best Seattle can come up with is Subway. That's seriously the closest thing to a real Italian sub that we have out here. :(
Ugh.
Sincerely,
Me
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
On Dogs and Their Stupid Owners..
Dear Asshole Dog Owners,
The bulldog I am walking is named Roxy.
She does not like other dogs, unless they are other bulldogs. This is why, when you begin to approach me with your miniature wussydog, I tell you before you are within her OMNOM range that she isn't really cool with other dogs.
That being said: The following are NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOURS:
1. Do not let your dog off the leash. Even discounting the fact that Roxy can (and likely will) attempt to make a meal of any dog smaller (and most dogs larger) than she is, the city has leash laws for a fucking reason. This is for the safety of both people and dogs. The last thing I need is Roxy biting poor Fluffykins face off and you attempting to sue me for vet bill caused by your own incompetence. (PROTIP: You will lose.)
2. Do not bring your dog within range to "see how they do". I already know how they will fucking "do", because I already told you my dog DOES NOT LIKE OTHER DOGS. Or does the fact that her hackles are raised, her ears are back and shes growling not clue you in on the fact that she does not want your stupid simpering waste of canine flesh anywhere near her?
3. Do not lecture me on how I need to "just train her to be better" if you violate rule one or two. My dog was rescued from a puppy mill where she was bred twice before she was two, left outside in a cage in all manner of temperature and weather, was rarely fed, lost almost all of her hair, and became insanely frightened of cars. In terms of "shit someone's been through", I'm going to give her a pass on the not wanting anything to do with other dogs thing. She has fucking earned it.
4. Do not slow your car down and point and laugh as she attempts to disclocate/detach my arm in order to chase it. "Oh, she likes cars, huh?" "Aww, isn't that so cute!" and "Does she like to chase cars?" will earn you a string of cusses that would make a sailor blush. Why? Because anyone with at least one working eyeball in their head and .08oz of common fucking sense can see I'm barely able to control her and you sitting there with your fucking engine running is only making her freak out even more. It's not funny. It's painful (physically!) for me and stressful for both Roxy and I. Knock that shit off.
5. If your dog is clearly diseased or sick, GTFO. No, seriously. I saw a woman walking a pit bull yesterday that looked like it wanted to die and had patches of black tar-looking crap all over it, which is usually a sign of mange. Roxy wasn't with me at the time, but this woman walked by two other dogs on the way down the sidewalk and was just letting her clearly sick dog saunter up to them and sniff around. Your dog clearly has something wrong with it. My dog does not have anything wrong with her, and I don't WANT anything wrong with her. Fuck off with your mangy assed POS mutt.
6. Do not fucking sit there and insist my dog is a fucking pit bull. If you think my dog is a pit bull you have either a) never seen a fucking pit bull or b) are blind and functionally retarded. Besides, I know what breed my own fucking dog is, and she's an English Bulldog, not a fucking pit bull. The two breeds dont even remotely look alike, especially given, I don't know, pit bulls have NOSES and aren't WRINKLY? She doesn't "look like a pit", she's not a "nice pit". She is an English Bulldog. Like this:
Not a pit bull, like this:
How the FUCK you mix those two dogs up, I have no fucking idea.
7. Do not praise me for picking up my dog's shitpile. There's a $50 fine for not doing doodie duty in Seattle, plus, it's fucking gross as hell to leave dogshit everywhere. I'm not 6. I don't need a round of applause or a GOOD JOB as I'm walking down the road with a handful of warm Roxy Nuggets™ and more than I need either for wiping my own ass. Go fuck yourself.
Just leave me alone to walk my dog in peace, assholes.
Sincerely,
Me
The bulldog I am walking is named Roxy.
She does not like other dogs, unless they are other bulldogs. This is why, when you begin to approach me with your miniature wussydog, I tell you before you are within her OMNOM range that she isn't really cool with other dogs.
That being said: The following are NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOURS:
1. Do not let your dog off the leash. Even discounting the fact that Roxy can (and likely will) attempt to make a meal of any dog smaller (and most dogs larger) than she is, the city has leash laws for a fucking reason. This is for the safety of both people and dogs. The last thing I need is Roxy biting poor Fluffykins face off and you attempting to sue me for vet bill caused by your own incompetence. (PROTIP: You will lose.)
2. Do not bring your dog within range to "see how they do". I already know how they will fucking "do", because I already told you my dog DOES NOT LIKE OTHER DOGS. Or does the fact that her hackles are raised, her ears are back and shes growling not clue you in on the fact that she does not want your stupid simpering waste of canine flesh anywhere near her?
3. Do not lecture me on how I need to "just train her to be better" if you violate rule one or two. My dog was rescued from a puppy mill where she was bred twice before she was two, left outside in a cage in all manner of temperature and weather, was rarely fed, lost almost all of her hair, and became insanely frightened of cars. In terms of "shit someone's been through", I'm going to give her a pass on the not wanting anything to do with other dogs thing. She has fucking earned it.
4. Do not slow your car down and point and laugh as she attempts to disclocate/detach my arm in order to chase it. "Oh, she likes cars, huh?" "Aww, isn't that so cute!" and "Does she like to chase cars?" will earn you a string of cusses that would make a sailor blush. Why? Because anyone with at least one working eyeball in their head and .08oz of common fucking sense can see I'm barely able to control her and you sitting there with your fucking engine running is only making her freak out even more. It's not funny. It's painful (physically!) for me and stressful for both Roxy and I. Knock that shit off.
5. If your dog is clearly diseased or sick, GTFO. No, seriously. I saw a woman walking a pit bull yesterday that looked like it wanted to die and had patches of black tar-looking crap all over it, which is usually a sign of mange. Roxy wasn't with me at the time, but this woman walked by two other dogs on the way down the sidewalk and was just letting her clearly sick dog saunter up to them and sniff around. Your dog clearly has something wrong with it. My dog does not have anything wrong with her, and I don't WANT anything wrong with her. Fuck off with your mangy assed POS mutt.
6. Do not fucking sit there and insist my dog is a fucking pit bull. If you think my dog is a pit bull you have either a) never seen a fucking pit bull or b) are blind and functionally retarded. Besides, I know what breed my own fucking dog is, and she's an English Bulldog, not a fucking pit bull. The two breeds dont even remotely look alike, especially given, I don't know, pit bulls have NOSES and aren't WRINKLY? She doesn't "look like a pit", she's not a "nice pit". She is an English Bulldog. Like this:
Not a pit bull, like this:
7. Do not praise me for picking up my dog's shitpile. There's a $50 fine for not doing doodie duty in Seattle, plus, it's fucking gross as hell to leave dogshit everywhere. I'm not 6. I don't need a round of applause or a GOOD JOB as I'm walking down the road with a handful of warm Roxy Nuggets™ and more than I need either for wiping my own ass. Go fuck yourself.
Just leave me alone to walk my dog in peace, assholes.
Sincerely,
Me
Saturday, May 25, 2013
On High Mucky-Mucks...
Dear "Elder Goths":
Have you perhaps noticed that the only ones who actually refer to you as "elder" are yourselves?
Why do you think that is?
Turning this over in my head a bit, I have come to the following likely conclusions.
1) You are so desperate for some kind of validation in your life that you need to come up with a ridiculous title for yourself to try and make your betters feel inferior. Let me clue you in on something real quick... Your betters will still be your betters, regardless whether you were going to clubs five years earlier than they were or not. And as a side note, disparagingly referring to someone else as a "kindergoth" or "babybat" just makes you look like a fucking moron, especially when that someone has been around only a few years less than you have.
2) You're just getting into the goth scene, but are past the physical age that you can sucessfully pass yourself off as a babybat without looking ridiculous/like you had a midlife crisis recently. Some people buy sportcars and act like douchnozzles, some dress up like goths and act like douchnozzles, I suppose? If you're older and just getting into the goth scene, that's amazing and I 110% fully support it. I know a few people like that, they admit they're not the be-all-end-all of gothdom, and they don't try and fake it. You should follow their lead.
3) You want to try and impress the objects of your affection, be they male or female, because you're trying to squirm into the pants of people far younger than you are. It's a bit pathetic to watch, honestly.
4) You can't seem to act your age. If you want to be referred to as an "Elder", not that anyone with an ounce of sense takes that seriously, you really need to behave with the decorum that the word suggests. And by "decorum" I don't mean walking around the club like a snotty fuckstick, nose in the air and stick firmly jammed up your butthole.
Goths are not a tribe. We do not have a Hierarchy of Gothdom with titles like "Elder Goth" and "ArchGoth" and other such silliness. There is no Goth Card, no membership form and no indoctrination ritual. Noone is superior to anyone else or rules over anyone else because we are not a fucking society, we are a music and fashion based subculture. You don't get to give yourselves fancy titles just because you were born a few years earlier than someone else.
And please, if you're going to walk about with a shit attitude at the club, learn how to dance. No, really. I don't even try to stifle my laughter anymore when I see one of you types on the dancefloor, no rhythm, no ability to flow with music. You figure after all the years you claim to have been around you'd at least know the music well enough to hear the beats and move your feet accordingly, but it rarely seems to be the case.
And so you know, you may consider me an "industrialist" or a "cyber" and not a "real goth", but I can 100% guarantee I know more about goth music than you do, and have done more for the scene than you have. Do you run events? DJ? Craft things for people to use, wear, or decorate their house with? Run a record label? Play in a band?
If none of the above, then shut your face. In all the years you claim to have been around, you should have done something to contribute toward making the scene better... especially since it's apparently the only thing in your life that you value outside of pretending to enjoy the cheap red wine at the local club and acting like a stuck up, snotty asshole.
If you've been around a million years and laugh at these people too, then this Letter to [Random] is just as much for you as it is for everyone else who finds the 85% of time not spend in a club to be most important in life and the people who've got their life's priorities backwards to be complete and utter mental deficients.
Sincerely,
Me
Have you perhaps noticed that the only ones who actually refer to you as "elder" are yourselves?
Why do you think that is?
Turning this over in my head a bit, I have come to the following likely conclusions.
1) You are so desperate for some kind of validation in your life that you need to come up with a ridiculous title for yourself to try and make your betters feel inferior. Let me clue you in on something real quick... Your betters will still be your betters, regardless whether you were going to clubs five years earlier than they were or not. And as a side note, disparagingly referring to someone else as a "kindergoth" or "babybat" just makes you look like a fucking moron, especially when that someone has been around only a few years less than you have.
2) You're just getting into the goth scene, but are past the physical age that you can sucessfully pass yourself off as a babybat without looking ridiculous/like you had a midlife crisis recently. Some people buy sportcars and act like douchnozzles, some dress up like goths and act like douchnozzles, I suppose? If you're older and just getting into the goth scene, that's amazing and I 110% fully support it. I know a few people like that, they admit they're not the be-all-end-all of gothdom, and they don't try and fake it. You should follow their lead.
3) You want to try and impress the objects of your affection, be they male or female, because you're trying to squirm into the pants of people far younger than you are. It's a bit pathetic to watch, honestly.
4) You can't seem to act your age. If you want to be referred to as an "Elder", not that anyone with an ounce of sense takes that seriously, you really need to behave with the decorum that the word suggests. And by "decorum" I don't mean walking around the club like a snotty fuckstick, nose in the air and stick firmly jammed up your butthole.
Goths are not a tribe. We do not have a Hierarchy of Gothdom with titles like "Elder Goth" and "ArchGoth" and other such silliness. There is no Goth Card, no membership form and no indoctrination ritual. Noone is superior to anyone else or rules over anyone else because we are not a fucking society, we are a music and fashion based subculture. You don't get to give yourselves fancy titles just because you were born a few years earlier than someone else.
And please, if you're going to walk about with a shit attitude at the club, learn how to dance. No, really. I don't even try to stifle my laughter anymore when I see one of you types on the dancefloor, no rhythm, no ability to flow with music. You figure after all the years you claim to have been around you'd at least know the music well enough to hear the beats and move your feet accordingly, but it rarely seems to be the case.
And so you know, you may consider me an "industrialist" or a "cyber" and not a "real goth", but I can 100% guarantee I know more about goth music than you do, and have done more for the scene than you have. Do you run events? DJ? Craft things for people to use, wear, or decorate their house with? Run a record label? Play in a band?
If none of the above, then shut your face. In all the years you claim to have been around, you should have done something to contribute toward making the scene better... especially since it's apparently the only thing in your life that you value outside of pretending to enjoy the cheap red wine at the local club and acting like a stuck up, snotty asshole.
If you've been around a million years and laugh at these people too, then this Letter to [Random] is just as much for you as it is for everyone else who finds the 85% of time not spend in a club to be most important in life and the people who've got their life's priorities backwards to be complete and utter mental deficients.
Sincerely,
Me
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Warning: Contains Stupidity and Negligence. Proceed at Own Risk.
Dear Incompetent (Former) Dog Owner,
In a recent informal poll conducted on Facebook, the number one food toxic to dogs is: chocolate.
Another fun fact: Dogs love to eat chocolate almost as much as they dig antifreeze.
So why, pray tell, as a dog owner, would you put THIS in your garden?:
To be quite honest, I'm surprised you possess brain function on a high enough level to feel emotion over the loss of your dog, who went outside directly after you dumped this all over the ground, proceeded to eat mouthfuls of it, and subsequently dropped dead. Typically sub amoeboid brains don't have the capacity to process emotional thought. Bravo.
It is a 100% true and honest fact that chocolate is poisonous to dogs. The bag states on it that it's COCOA SHELL MULCH. What is chocolate made out of? If you guessed COCOA, you win the jumbo stuffed bear. And let's say you've been trapped under a boulder for most of your life and don't know that cocoa is the main ingredient in chocolate. We'll take out a step in the equation and point your slackjawed visage to the bottom of the bag where it clearly states that the mulch is made by a chocolate company.
And the icing on this turd-smeared cake?
You are trying to demand warning labels be put on the mulch.
Warning labels. On MULCH. It's DIRT for fuck's sake!! YOU WANT A WARNING LABEL TO BE PUT ON DIRT BECAUSE YOU'RE MORE STUPID THAN IT IS.
You are the type of idiot that spills hot coffee on yourself and sues McDonald's because the cup didn't have a warning on it. You're the type of mental deficient that drinks window cleaner, can't figure out why you get sick, and try and sue the cleaner company because no-one warned you that was a bad idea.
If you had a child (here's hoping you haven't bred yet, but since mating is instinct based and not intellect based, I'm not getting my hopes up), it would make sense to know what sorts of things are poisonous and what things aren't, wouldn't you say? Or would you be totally ok with them playing with a cup of bleach because there's no warning on it to let you know it's hazardous?
I mean, seriously. Do you have to have hired handlers that tell you what stupid things not to do on a daily basis?
"Don't step in that dogshit!"
"Don't drink that antifreeze!"
"Don't jump off that building!"
"Don't pour that Draino in your eyes!"
"Don't put that cigarette out on your ballsack!"
I do not want to see Facebook posts from you crying about how there was no warning on a bag of mulch MADE OUT OF MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE to alert you to the (FUCKING OBVIOUS) fact that it MIGHT be HAZARDOUS to DOGS. You were negligent, and a terrible dog owner... you let your dog gobble it up, and now the thing is dead. It's not the COCOA CHOCOLATE CLEARLY LABELED MULCH COMPANY'S job to ensure you don't let your animal eat something that is widely known to be deadly for it. It is YOURS and YOURS ALONE.
People like you should not only never be allowed to own animals, your filthy DNA should be permanently cleansed from the gene pool along with anyone who shares it lest it taint societys level of intellect and send it into even further decline.
Sincerely,
Me
In a recent informal poll conducted on Facebook, the number one food toxic to dogs is: chocolate.
Another fun fact: Dogs love to eat chocolate almost as much as they dig antifreeze.
So why, pray tell, as a dog owner, would you put THIS in your garden?:
To be quite honest, I'm surprised you possess brain function on a high enough level to feel emotion over the loss of your dog, who went outside directly after you dumped this all over the ground, proceeded to eat mouthfuls of it, and subsequently dropped dead. Typically sub amoeboid brains don't have the capacity to process emotional thought. Bravo.
It is a 100% true and honest fact that chocolate is poisonous to dogs. The bag states on it that it's COCOA SHELL MULCH. What is chocolate made out of? If you guessed COCOA, you win the jumbo stuffed bear. And let's say you've been trapped under a boulder for most of your life and don't know that cocoa is the main ingredient in chocolate. We'll take out a step in the equation and point your slackjawed visage to the bottom of the bag where it clearly states that the mulch is made by a chocolate company.
And the icing on this turd-smeared cake?
You are trying to demand warning labels be put on the mulch.
Warning labels. On MULCH. It's DIRT for fuck's sake!! YOU WANT A WARNING LABEL TO BE PUT ON DIRT BECAUSE YOU'RE MORE STUPID THAN IT IS.
You are the type of idiot that spills hot coffee on yourself and sues McDonald's because the cup didn't have a warning on it. You're the type of mental deficient that drinks window cleaner, can't figure out why you get sick, and try and sue the cleaner company because no-one warned you that was a bad idea.
If you had a child (here's hoping you haven't bred yet, but since mating is instinct based and not intellect based, I'm not getting my hopes up), it would make sense to know what sorts of things are poisonous and what things aren't, wouldn't you say? Or would you be totally ok with them playing with a cup of bleach because there's no warning on it to let you know it's hazardous?
I mean, seriously. Do you have to have hired handlers that tell you what stupid things not to do on a daily basis?
"Don't step in that dogshit!"
"Don't drink that antifreeze!"
"Don't jump off that building!"
"Don't pour that Draino in your eyes!"
"Don't put that cigarette out on your ballsack!"
I do not want to see Facebook posts from you crying about how there was no warning on a bag of mulch MADE OUT OF MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE to alert you to the (FUCKING OBVIOUS) fact that it MIGHT be HAZARDOUS to DOGS. You were negligent, and a terrible dog owner... you let your dog gobble it up, and now the thing is dead. It's not the COCOA CHOCOLATE CLEARLY LABELED MULCH COMPANY'S job to ensure you don't let your animal eat something that is widely known to be deadly for it. It is YOURS and YOURS ALONE.
People like you should not only never be allowed to own animals, your filthy DNA should be permanently cleansed from the gene pool along with anyone who shares it lest it taint societys level of intellect and send it into even further decline.
Sincerely,
Me
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
A Goth With a Career... Fancy That!
Dear Old Shitbird,
First, I don't want to talk to strangers on the bus. If you repeat "HEY! HEY! HEY" over and over you will get attention, but not the kind you're looking for.
Second, to answer your questions:
Yes, I am gainfully employed.
No, it is not at one of those "teeny bopper" stores (which I'm guessing means Hot Topic in Geriatric), nor am I employed by any other retail establishment.
No, I don't feel as though I mutilated my body by tattooing it, or my nose by putting holes in it.
No, I do not worship The Devil.
Contrary to what your motheaten, backwards old ass might think, those of us with noserings and black clothing don't always fit the stereotype of the lazy, uneducated slacker. Yes, I dress like this at work. (Are jeans and a V-neck sweater "over the top" for you? You should see me in my *real* goth clothes.) No, it doesn't offend people (?????).
1. I have a degree. And its not in Liberal Arts.
2. I work for a multimillion dollar company... in a management role, no less... and one which requires a high degree of intellect.
3. My manager likes and trusts me enough that he never has to actively manage me.
4. My coworkers and subordinates respect and like me.
5. I'm an active duty veteran of the armed forces.
6. I speak three languages.
You, on the other hand, are likely a childless, bitter, uneducated old shit who's never done anything with his life, and in order to fill the emptiness inside your wizened chest you attempt to make others feel bad about themselves.
Well, sir, I will clue you in on a little something. That shit doesn't work on me.
So next time you want to harass someone on a public bus for presenting themselves in a way in which you don't approve (again... jeans and a sweater... really? I'm barely even recognizable as a goth, for fuck's sake), I suggest you choose your battles a bit more wisely.
Sincerely,
Me
First, I don't want to talk to strangers on the bus. If you repeat "HEY! HEY! HEY" over and over you will get attention, but not the kind you're looking for.
Second, to answer your questions:
Yes, I am gainfully employed.
No, it is not at one of those "teeny bopper" stores (which I'm guessing means Hot Topic in Geriatric), nor am I employed by any other retail establishment.
No, I don't feel as though I mutilated my body by tattooing it, or my nose by putting holes in it.
No, I do not worship The Devil.
Contrary to what your motheaten, backwards old ass might think, those of us with noserings and black clothing don't always fit the stereotype of the lazy, uneducated slacker. Yes, I dress like this at work. (Are jeans and a V-neck sweater "over the top" for you? You should see me in my *real* goth clothes.) No, it doesn't offend people (?????).
1. I have a degree. And its not in Liberal Arts.
2. I work for a multimillion dollar company... in a management role, no less... and one which requires a high degree of intellect.
3. My manager likes and trusts me enough that he never has to actively manage me.
4. My coworkers and subordinates respect and like me.
5. I'm an active duty veteran of the armed forces.
6. I speak three languages.
You, on the other hand, are likely a childless, bitter, uneducated old shit who's never done anything with his life, and in order to fill the emptiness inside your wizened chest you attempt to make others feel bad about themselves.
Well, sir, I will clue you in on a little something. That shit doesn't work on me.
So next time you want to harass someone on a public bus for presenting themselves in a way in which you don't approve (again... jeans and a sweater... really? I'm barely even recognizable as a goth, for fuck's sake), I suggest you choose your battles a bit more wisely.
Sincerely,
Me
Bus Ettiquette and You: How Not to Be a Twatwaffle on Your Commute
Dear Fellow Seattle Bus Riders:
Since you seem to be lacking in the brains and common sense/courtesy department, here are some general bus ettiquette tips for you:
1. If the seat faces sideways, SIT FUCKING SIDEWAYS. Not facing front taking up a seat and a half. There are front facing seats if you insist on looking out the front of the bus. Sit in one of those FFS.
2. Here in Seattle, lines form to get on the bus. Walking up and standing at the front of the line and waiting while there are 40 other people in a queue is fucking rude. Do you do that shit at the supermarket? Department store? DMV? No? Then don't do it for the fucking bus, or I will snarkily define for you what a line is and less than kindly direct you to the fucking back of it.
3. FUCKING SHOWER AND KINDLY DO NOT SHIT OR PISS YOUR PANTS.
4. LIKEWISE KEEP YOUR VOMIT TO YOURSELF.
5. If an eldery/clearly infirm/handicapped person gets on the bus and you're sitting in one of the front seats, move WITHOUT HUFFING AND PUFFING AND MUTTERING UNDER YOUR BREATH. There are signs that clearly state that's what you're supposed to do. Feet hurt from work? Awww, muffin. Guess what? That 90 year old man with the cane and the double hearing aids that can't even stand up straight to walk? HIS EVERYTHING HURTS.
6. If you are so sick that you are coughing all over the place, at the very least cover your mouth, but preferably just stay home. And if you cough a wad of disgusting phlegm into your hand, USE A TISSUE. DO NOT WIPE THAT SHIT ON THE SEAT.
7. Take your fucking backpack off when you sit down and put it on the floor or in your lap. It does not get its own seat. Or any part of another seat, for that matter. At all. Ever.
8. Don't try and sneak on the back door, dude. The bus driver has mirrors, can see you, and will catch you every time. Know how I know? If he DOESN'T happen to see you, I'm going to tell him you fucking snuck on. Little shitbird.
9. The entire rest of the human population does not necessarily enjoy dubstep, rap, R&B, or hip hop. Get some decent headphones so the rest of us don't have to be subjected to your shit music. And don't play that shit out loud on your shitty phone speakers, either. You're making my ears bleed.
10. If the entire bus is empty, sitting in the seat right next to someone is like a guy taking the urinal right next to another guy when he's pissing. You just don't do it. Doubly so if the person you plop your fat ass next to is a heavily tattooed, overtired and irate looking goth girl with a visible scowl on her face.
11. Keep your fucking phone conversations at a reasonable level. Noone here gives a shit what you had for dinner, what you bought at the store, what your daughter's wedding plans are, etc.
12. People who live on Mercer Island shouldn't even be allowed to ride the bus at all. Don't you people have "drivers"? GTFO with your GD Nordstrom's bags taking up more than one seat.
13. There is a sign on that box at the front of the bus that says "DON'T PUT SHIT UP HERE." That includes but is not limited to: shopping bags, backpacks, plastic bags full of bedding (????), and small dogs in carry bags.
14. And finally, this is more of a question... but if you are doped up to all fuck on heroin to the point where you can't even sit in a seat without falling out of it into the aisle, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON A BUS?!??!???
By following these simple rules, one can be assured that bus commuting can be a calm and stress-free time for all involved.
Sincerely,
Me
Since you seem to be lacking in the brains and common sense/courtesy department, here are some general bus ettiquette tips for you:
1. If the seat faces sideways, SIT FUCKING SIDEWAYS. Not facing front taking up a seat and a half. There are front facing seats if you insist on looking out the front of the bus. Sit in one of those FFS.
2. Here in Seattle, lines form to get on the bus. Walking up and standing at the front of the line and waiting while there are 40 other people in a queue is fucking rude. Do you do that shit at the supermarket? Department store? DMV? No? Then don't do it for the fucking bus, or I will snarkily define for you what a line is and less than kindly direct you to the fucking back of it.
3. FUCKING SHOWER AND KINDLY DO NOT SHIT OR PISS YOUR PANTS.
4. LIKEWISE KEEP YOUR VOMIT TO YOURSELF.
5. If an eldery/clearly infirm/handicapped person gets on the bus and you're sitting in one of the front seats, move WITHOUT HUFFING AND PUFFING AND MUTTERING UNDER YOUR BREATH. There are signs that clearly state that's what you're supposed to do. Feet hurt from work? Awww, muffin. Guess what? That 90 year old man with the cane and the double hearing aids that can't even stand up straight to walk? HIS EVERYTHING HURTS.
6. If you are so sick that you are coughing all over the place, at the very least cover your mouth, but preferably just stay home. And if you cough a wad of disgusting phlegm into your hand, USE A TISSUE. DO NOT WIPE THAT SHIT ON THE SEAT.
7. Take your fucking backpack off when you sit down and put it on the floor or in your lap. It does not get its own seat. Or any part of another seat, for that matter. At all. Ever.
8. Don't try and sneak on the back door, dude. The bus driver has mirrors, can see you, and will catch you every time. Know how I know? If he DOESN'T happen to see you, I'm going to tell him you fucking snuck on. Little shitbird.
9. The entire rest of the human population does not necessarily enjoy dubstep, rap, R&B, or hip hop. Get some decent headphones so the rest of us don't have to be subjected to your shit music. And don't play that shit out loud on your shitty phone speakers, either. You're making my ears bleed.
10. If the entire bus is empty, sitting in the seat right next to someone is like a guy taking the urinal right next to another guy when he's pissing. You just don't do it. Doubly so if the person you plop your fat ass next to is a heavily tattooed, overtired and irate looking goth girl with a visible scowl on her face.
11. Keep your fucking phone conversations at a reasonable level. Noone here gives a shit what you had for dinner, what you bought at the store, what your daughter's wedding plans are, etc.
12. People who live on Mercer Island shouldn't even be allowed to ride the bus at all. Don't you people have "drivers"? GTFO with your GD Nordstrom's bags taking up more than one seat.
13. There is a sign on that box at the front of the bus that says "DON'T PUT SHIT UP HERE." That includes but is not limited to: shopping bags, backpacks, plastic bags full of bedding (????), and small dogs in carry bags.
14. And finally, this is more of a question... but if you are doped up to all fuck on heroin to the point where you can't even sit in a seat without falling out of it into the aisle, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON A BUS?!??!???
By following these simple rules, one can be assured that bus commuting can be a calm and stress-free time for all involved.
Sincerely,
Me
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