Dear Fellow Seattle Bus Riders:
Since you seem to be lacking in the brains and common sense/courtesy
department, here are some general bus ettiquette tips for you:
1. If the seat faces sideways, SIT FUCKING SIDEWAYS. Not facing front
taking up a seat and a half. There are front facing seats if you insist
on looking out the front of the bus. Sit in one of those FFS.
2. Here in Seattle, lines form
to get on the bus. Walking up and standing at the front of the line and
waiting while there are 40 other people in a queue is fucking rude. Do
you do that shit at the supermarket? Department store? DMV? No? Then
don't do it for the fucking bus, or I will snarkily define for you what a
line is and less than kindly direct you to the fucking back of it.
3. FUCKING SHOWER AND KINDLY DO NOT SHIT OR PISS YOUR PANTS.
4. LIKEWISE KEEP YOUR VOMIT TO YOURSELF.
5. If an eldery/clearly infirm/handicapped person gets on the bus and
you're sitting in one of the front seats, move WITHOUT HUFFING AND
PUFFING AND MUTTERING UNDER YOUR BREATH. There are signs that clearly
state that's what you're supposed to do. Feet hurt from work? Awww,
muffin. Guess what? That 90 year old man with the cane and the double
hearing aids that can't even stand up straight to walk? HIS EVERYTHING
HURTS.
6. If you are so sick that you are coughing all over the
place, at the very least cover your mouth, but preferably just stay
home. And if you cough a wad of disgusting phlegm into your hand, USE A
TISSUE. DO NOT WIPE THAT SHIT ON THE SEAT.
7. Take your fucking
backpack off when you sit down and put it on the floor or in your lap.
It does not get its own seat. Or any part of another seat, for that
matter. At all. Ever.
8. Don't try and sneak on the back door,
dude. The bus driver has mirrors, can see you, and will catch you every
time. Know how I know? If he DOESN'T happen to see you, I'm going to
tell him you fucking snuck on. Little shitbird.
9. The entire
rest of the human population does not necessarily enjoy dubstep, rap,
R&B, or hip hop. Get some decent headphones so the rest of us don't
have to be subjected to your shit music. And don't play that shit out
loud on your shitty phone speakers, either. You're making my ears bleed.
10. If the entire bus is empty, sitting in the seat right next to
someone is like a guy taking the urinal right next to another guy when
he's pissing. You just don't do it. Doubly so if the person you plop
your fat ass next to is a heavily tattooed, overtired and irate looking
goth girl with a visible scowl on her face.
11. Keep your
fucking phone conversations at a reasonable level. Noone here gives a
shit what you had for dinner, what you bought at the store, what your
daughter's wedding plans are, etc.
12. People who live on
Mercer Island shouldn't even be allowed to ride the bus at all. Don't
you people have "drivers"? GTFO with your GD Nordstrom's bags taking up
more than one seat.
13. There is a sign on that box at the
front of the bus that says "DON'T PUT SHIT UP HERE." That includes but
is not limited to: shopping bags, backpacks, plastic bags full of
bedding (????), and small dogs in carry bags.
14. And finally,
this is more of a question... but if you are doped up to all fuck on
heroin to the point where you can't even sit in a seat without falling
out of it into the aisle, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON A BUS?!??!???
By following these simple rules, one can be assured that bus commuting can be a calm and stress-free time for all involved.
Sincerely,
Me
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